it hurts to exist.
and i mean that literally. as in, ‘the weight of being conscious right now is crushing me alive and getting worser and worse’. i’d put a sarcastic lol here if i wasn’t so scared of it.
starting to avoid people offline, too. craved human contact until i noticed that it wasn’t helping- that having to appear normal was getting too hard. ate alone today and read my soc book for 2 hours- it was actually kinda nice, really…. once i get home though the boredom is turning into loneliness, which turns into wanting to just lob off my head or something like that.
i haven’t done it myself, but i think im beginning to understand why people cut. the physical pain detracts from the horrible pain internally- i’d rather feel like my arm is being pinched than like my entire chest cavity has been carved out with a dull spoon and my remaining organs are bleeding all over with various veins and muscle and sinew swinging in the breeze. it’s rather remarkable, feeling so empty and yet hurting so badly- even when the absense is what’s causing the pain.
i think im going crazy?
i don’t know what to do- besides get that list of shrinks mum looked up from the insurance and go there and get them to medically numb me up enough so i can zombie my way through the rest of my lovely existence here.
lol.
